You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
