Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
