Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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