I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
