im holly from the hills drunk
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
