sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just found puke in my bra..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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