It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you win again, gameday.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
