im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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