this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
