I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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