I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
