id be glad to
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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