no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
