I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
