Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
