i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
