butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
honey bunches of taint.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
