his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
