honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
