I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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