Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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