There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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