someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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