I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
