She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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