You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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