The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
