we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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