I wish my penis had an off switch
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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