I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
