DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
