dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
