i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
