he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
