I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
