We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
