she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
