I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
