I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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