I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
