This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
