I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
