i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
