he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
