I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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