yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
