The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
