I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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