got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it glows. i had to have it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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