wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
