If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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